I'm a natural introvert. My friend Sarah disputes this as she associates introverts with the socially inept, shy and trembling in the corner. I am not shy but I am reticent. I am an observer and it's not normal for me to put myself out there. Yet when comfortable, I can be positively chatty and open. Almost extroverted. However, too much social interaction fatigues me and I then long to be alone. It's a curious balance.
Writing this blog has forced me to put myself out there, although it's been very much on my terms. Written anonymously; I rarely share pictures of myself or my family, that part of me that is kept very separate from what I post here. I don't tell people I meet that I blog and can go cold at the prospect of everyone I know in the 'real world' reading this anthology of my thoughts. I fall somewhere between public and private.
A while back I started a small business called L'Apothecary and for a while I completely put myself out there. I learnt an enormous amount from it and though the business itself reverted to a kitchen table exercise for me (I still take bespoke orders), it did illustrate what it can feel like to start something, believe in it passionately and then stop (fail). Did it fail? I made choices about it, which in retrospect where sensible ones. But nevertheless when I read back on blog posts I wrote at the time, I see the germ of something that could have been something and I wonder, did I do the right thing in walking away? I also see many people around me starting new ventures and making them succeed, all the time evolving them from one thing to another. I feel a combination of awe and envy.
I do wonder whether all that time I spent in a corporate environment was the polar opposite of putting myself out there. It was safe and sheltered and though I had massive responsibility in my job, I recognise that I did it under the umbrella of a corporate structure. Not a house of straw but a house of iron. It was a household-name company so ultimately if everything went wrong, there were always lawyers who could sort it all out! The only times I recall really putting myself out there was when I had an ethical objection to something which was being proposed. This happened increasingly towards the end of my time there. In fact in the end it became a symptom of why I had to leave; if you are not playing the same tune, corporate life can become swiftly less comfortable!
I have come full circle as I now seriously consider embarking on going back to University to study writing. I'll be putting myself out there again, as strange as that might feel to me. Strange but good.
The funny thing is (and this is what I have noticed about myself) in recent times, the less I put myself out there, the more life seemed to scare me.
I want it to be the other way around. Life shouldn't scare me! Time to get busy.
